…and I thought “Cyrus” was unique!

When Cyrus was born, I had a list of about 20 baby names, both for boys and girls, that I had carefully selected.  Most of them, in my opinion, were quite unique.  But none of them came close to the ones on the following list of celebrity baby names (and I use the word “name” loosely in this case).  I think the only name on this list I would have ever considered using might have been Sage Moonblood, courtesy of Daddy Sylvester Stallone.  But now that’s been taken.  Furthermore, had I known that Barbara Hershey and David Carradine would ever procreate, I might have jumped into my time machine and made them reconsider altogether.

You may have already read this because it’s running rampant around the internet… I never post other people’s post, but I thought that this one was quite amusing, so I’m breaking character for a moment.

The 33 Worst Celebrity Baby Names

Cautionary tales, from Audio Science to Zuma Nesta Rock.

by Catherine Connors

  • Tu Morrow

    (Rob Morrow)
    You just know that this name came up during a drunken pre-conception conversation. The tragedy is, they never thought of a better one. We just hope the kid likes that song from Annie, because people will be serenading her with it forever.

  • Zuma Nesta Rock

    (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)
    Sure, “Zuma” is the name of a beach in a Malibu. That’s lovely. But it’s also a computer game. And the diminutive form of a term for a bad gastrointestinal condition. And, for anyone who remembers the ’90s, a much-mocked malt beverage. No, wait: that was Zima.

  • Moxie CrimeFighter

    Gwen Stefani with Zuma Nesta Rock.

    (Penn Jillette)
    Job descriptions just don’t work as proper names. And what are odds that she’ll actually grow up to be a crimefighter? Slim.

  • Pilot Inspektor

    (Jason Lee)
    Speaking of job descriptions — Pilot Inspektor isn’t even a real job. Neither is Pilot Inspector, for that matter. Plane Inspector is a real job, but that’s like two steps above DMV worker in the glamour department.

  • Kal-El

    (Nicolas Cage)
    Do celebrities actually think their children have superpowers? Sometimes we wonder.

  • Bogart Che Peyote

    (Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)
    Using the names of revolutionaries and drugs in your kid’s name is one thing. Using the common term for slobbering all over that joint you won’t share is quite another.

  • Fifi Trixibell, Peaches and Pixie

    (Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)
    Didn’t Paris Hilton use these names for her little dogs?

  • Audio Science

    (Shannyn Sossamon)
    Sounds like it would have been a really cool class to take in college. As a name, though . . .

  • Princess Tiaamii

    (Katie “Jordan” Price)
    Someday this little girl will realize she is not in fact a princess, and all the extra vowels in the world won’t be able to cushion the blow.

  • Prince Michael II / “Blanket”

    Jason Lee with Pilot Inspektor.

    (Michael Jackson)
    See above. Luckily, MJ atoned for his choice of moniker by nicknaming the kid “Blanket,” a name no one could ever possibly find fault with.

  • Apple

    (Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow)
    It almost doesn’t seem fair to make fun of this, especially when considered against names like “Princess Tiaamii” and “Audio Science.” But still. Fruit? Fruit just isn’t creative. Vegetables, on the other hand . . . “Zucchini” would be a kinda cute name.

  • Calico

    (Alice Cooper)
    I had a cat named “Calico” once. It got really fat and then it died.

  • Denim and Diezel Ky

    (Toni Braxton)
    “Polyester,” “Suede” and “Poly-Blend” aren’t good names for children; neither is Denim. As for Diezel — seriously? You want to name your kid after fossil fuels?

  • Seargeoh and Sage Moonblood

    (Sylvester Stallone)
    “Seargeoh” looks like somebody coughed on the birth certificate. “Sage” is a beautiful name. “Sage Moonblood?” Sounds like the kind of “natural” feminine hygiene product that’s sold in stores that also deal hemp and patchouli.

  • Jermajesty

    David Duchovny and his Kyd.

    (Jermaine Jackson)
    Bad puns and awkward plays on language really should just be avoided at all costs. “Jermajesty” sounds like the name of a really bad self-produced hip-hop album.

  • Hud and Spec Wildhorse

    (John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)
    HUD is the acronym for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Also, Humanoid Underground Dwellers. And, yes, the name of a character played by Paul Newman. But aren’t people mostly going to think of the first two? And “Spec” — short for “Special”? “Spectator”? “Speculum”?

  • Pirate

    (Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven)
    There’s probably no better way to guarantee that your child become an accountant than to name him “Pirate.”

  • Rebel, Racer and Rogue

    (Robert Rodriguez)
    Suggested names for Robert Rodriguez’s next child: “Rapscallion.””Rabble-Rouser.” “Racketteer.” “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot.”

  • Seven Sirius

    (Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu)
    Numbers as names: why? To what does the number refer? Why not six? Why not eight? SEVEN WHAT?

  • Harley Quinn

    (Kevin Smith)
    Leave it to Silent Bob to name his daughter after a Batman villain. The worst part: you know he considered “Poison Ivy” and “Catwoman.”

  • Camera

    Gwyneth Paltrow with Apple and Moses.

    (Arthur Ashe)
    “Camera” is so generic. Why not “Nikon”? Or “Canon”?

  • Blue Angel

    (U2’s The Edge)
    Better, I suppose, that “Puce Angel” or “Purple Angel,” but still.

  • Free

    (Barbara Hershey and David Carradine)
    If this kid’s middle name is Willy . . .

  • Kyd

    (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)
    Doesn’t this just invite people to speculate that you, as parents, a) just didn’t care enough to actually name your kid, and b) can’t spell?

  • Reignbeau

    (Ving Rhames)
    She’s a multicolored arc of light, but also the benevolent ruler of her boyfriend, or something. This name has levels.

  • Alcamy

    (Lance Henriksen)
    Alcamy: the art of turning medil into goold.

The original post was found here: http://www.babble.com/celebrity/celebrity-style/33-worst-celebrity-baby-names/

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January 8, 2011. Uncategorized.

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